All M!a
Just here
I feel as if now I am just here. Listening to what pple want me to do, tell me to do. Just on auto mode. I think I've always felt this way at home. If I am anywhere close to her then I sorta end up on auto, doing the best I can and not getting on her darkside.
I think this is how I end up feeling weak and out of control. Its soo ugh. I feel melotone. I don't have all of that pos energy or any for that matter. I just feel soo exhausted all of the time. I don't even feel as if I can write in my special journal that much. I can't (don't?) express my self as much I just kinda give in, do as I am told and if not that then I try to get them back for me doing what they want, I do the very min of everything and just yeah. . .I don't even wanna know how I look on the outside. I took all the meds they got me on, and I make sure I have a smile and a thank you on my lips for family things . . I just generally feel miserable and as if I'm living in someone elses life. . . my friends are non existant. don't ask me about my romantic life. my self motivation comes from knowing that there is something better than this and bigger than life. I have things. Fun. I should be grateful. I'm not. I am very negitive right now not doing much. especially compared to before. I am not even doing good in school anymore. my grades are falling and along with it my life skills and self motivation. lets just say I'm grateful for 3 things, 1 my bed 2 my bedroom 3 tears
sounds pretty fed up huh? sucks. yeah. but really thats all I can count on at the end of the day. and plz don't ask about my dreams . . I just need more meds serisously.
so now here I am . . .just here. . listening to music. . .waiting for time to pass me by so I can go to class see if I failed or not and ditch . . .we're watching a movie and I think personal training is outta the picture so I don't need to know anything on the vid (not even for the test ) we have a few weeks left of schoool and I'm extremely grateful to mr shaw for letting me at least visit MN.
I am soo sick of that too btw. I can't stand that I get comfy then we have to leave. . I get comfy then they snatch it away. I get comfy and then ups something happens. . . one day I'm going to just get outta this and I'll be soo happy. I think . . I don't know what I want now a days
<3 Mia
Waste
Gratefulness
You know it is really hard to be grateful for what you have when you don't have what you want. I mean pple think its simple to say hey I have this-that I need- and I don't have this-that I want- but thats okay. I'm grateful. Its not that simple. Pple give me a break.
Not having what you want makes you do crazy shit. I don't wanna end up doing crazy shit I mean come on the point of getting what you want is so that you dont end up doing somthing you will regret in the future no? Maybe I'm mistaken. I know there is a lesson to be learned its just going to take some time . . that I'm loosing daily.
Miles don't make the heart more found of, miles makes the heart wonder. >>I wish this wasn't so. I'm doing my best to remember what I have whether its close or far. That way I won't wonder. . . I don't wonder. I just know that soon enough if I'm not careful I'll wonder. Its ben my history and I'm doing my very best to keep busy and not make friends . . .deeply truly trying not to.
Its hard
lifes getting harder and harder.
and the sucky part about this whole thing is that its not just in this one situation or object part of my life its happening for everything slowly and I'm realizing that if I don't get help I'll explode. Again.
Ya Lattif
Yaa Lateef!
My hero
I got it, him. Hes all mine. I have a hero, and its in Him.
He takes my problems away. Brings my mind to think of reality not keeping me in fantasy land. But also takes away my reality with his fantasies . . .I could've never imagined him, he is my fantasy but in reality. . and its perfect.
So heres to prince charming .
To never ever land
paradise and
happily ever afters ;)
Family
Can't live with em. Can't live without them.
I wonder if he really was going to stab me with that knife..I keepthinking how horrible we must be if he really would have. Me fro hating him enough not to care if I agrevated him enough to stab me. And him to let it bother him enough to contemplate and pull a knife.
What a life
Sadly
Its funny
As it turns out other people can disturb ur peace...most especially those who care about you. And if you care about them caring about you ... if you get what I mean. Its really not funny in the least bit. It really sucks that you can be soo happy in the daytime and remain that way until BAM! You're pressed down into a lil piece of Shiz. So yeah thats how it has been. I feel great, everythings going as expected then all of a sudden BAM! Someone pushes you down to the ground so you have to go to bed in a rut. And mad as all get out.
Its pretty ironic that you can wake up the most prepared and happy person ever then go to bed the most sad and angry person just longing for something you have to wait 6 months to get...just because someone else messes up your peace. And BTW: Peace equals love and if someone screws up your peace then they obviously don't love you.
Its pretty funny. . .isn't it?
Love = Total bliss = Peace...finally <3
I have also came up the the conclusion that you give yourself peace. Others can help you on the road to it, but ultimately peace comes from ur innner struggle and will. And now I believe it comes also from love. If you have loved, love, do love you know peace. It comes from inside, and it can cause you to get this bliss I have right now called Peace
--And it also builds out of not having peace. Struggle, pleasure that sort of thing. If you've fought with someone about something and had a hard time in life you will eventually find peace...
PEACE IS TAKING CHANCES LETTING GO
"~Because there is Beauty in Breakdown~" ~Imogen Heap~
Love = Peace?
I think I've always yearned for that. Peace that is. And yesterday as I watched four of my siblings, I realized how at peace small children are. Lucky ducks<3 I mean I had no peace with them in the house (as a sick and worried bigger sis) But how peacful do you have to be to play all day and actually enjoy others company enough to just focus. . .Then something clicked. And somehow I linked peace with love. Read back to yesterday. What if I replaced peace with luv? Love everything, have others love you, vice versa, to love God and know that he loves you. Loving others.To have love for myself...It all really goes hand in hand.
What the world needs now is love sweet love...Peace sweet peace. . .Dum dum dumm<3
World 
= World ♥
You tell me: Is wellness peace? Is peace the key to love or vice versa?
Peace...is?
What does it mean to be at peace? I mean truly. What ever peace is I want it. I yearn to be trulym at peace with everything, everyone, God and myself. Then again maybe thats is my problem right there. I put things (emotions, items, feelings) ahead of people. And people before God which should be before me as I have it.. But it should be people Me then God...I'm not sure.
Peace is the states of tranquillity, harmony, quiet and the freedom of civil desturbance. ( as the dictionary states.) I like that ... "freedom of civil desturbance". The state of being free of citizens interruption. ( as the dictionary states from the words freedom civil and destrurbance) I also like that.
Peace summies style is the state of being comfortable with yourself and ur interation with the world before al. To have a certain level of calm in ur life to live by set standards, prinicpals, and not be stressed out. To be accepted, to feel accepted and understand acceptance. Adding to that now to be free of other peoples disturbances, to not let them bother ur state of calm also.
Yes? No? I'm always uncertain, lately all my classes have to do with lifestyle choices and stress.
Personal Training has to do with others lifestyle choices and hanging peoples ...life really.
Nursing has alot to do with the health and well ness of ones body and ones reaction towards life.
While Message has to do with releasing inner tendsion and stress in ur ylife. So I guess I'm just realizing how essential peace is: inner outter lively.
Its just Essential.
Decisions
No one should have to decide between what they love and what they may have to love.
One should never have to think . . hmm I love cheesecake, but today since 'they' want this I'll go ahead and have the cheese straight off the cows milk. Don't settle for less! No one should have to or even be willing to settle for less than what they are.
Such is life. God plans and tests and we have to do our best to pass and be willing to follow the plans with our head on straight
Those who think
"Be at thinker not an agree'er."
That right there shows me how well she actually knows me, because she thinks I don't think, me, sumaiyah, doesn't think? But if you act hostile and ur forceful how do you think someone will react? Or even think?
How hmm? Thats a given. . .
And to say that a 5 yr old child is supposidly the thinker but ur 17 yr old child isn't? A lil twisted humm?
Thats Laughable . . .
I'm counting down the months . . . I just gotta be smart, learn, and helpful.
Stupid nightmares. . .
Why do people have nightmares? Why did I just have the worst possible one ever?! It makes me sick to go to bed now . . . something that most people think the is the most enjoyable part of their day! I don't know . . what to do. Daily I think about how and what time I'm going to go to bed that night. How long will I sleep? What should I leave off so I can do it when I can't? What do I tell the people around me when they ask if I went to sleep, or they wake up and see me up night after night? Good God I've done everything possible that supposidly works:
I've exercised, drank warm milk (even though I'm allergic to it), went to bed early/late, didn't take a nap in the daytime, prayed (and did every religious thing possible), etc. . .
The only thing I haven't changed is my emotions throughout the day...wonder if that has anything to do with this . . .
I just wish they would go away . . even if was just for a day. .
Orphaned
I'm reading this really nice book called, 'The Scroll of Seduction'. Its a translation for a hispanic writer, I love it . . . but it really had me thinking. The girl in the story lost her mother and father(I haven't found out why/how) and she was really sad about the whole thing (duh). But really . . .if that ever happened to me would I feel the same? I mean deep down inside. I couldn't help but question that while I was on the bus reading my story after leaving the library. How would most people feel? How come I don't have that connection? I feel like somehow me and my parents not getting along that great is because I'm always so negitive and closed off from them (purposfully), but is it really my fault? I mean how do you raise a child not to like you? (deep down inside) How do you live with a child who has always regretted coming into ur life? hmm? I wish I knew. . not! I am going to do my very best to raise my children to love everyone, most especially me and my husband. Lifes too short for us to grow up with children who aren't going to give a rats ass about you . . .deep down inside.
~I should take my own advice. . but lifes complicated.
Fed up
I'm coming up with the solution to the fact that I can't seem to get this stuff right with saying what I need to say and then changing how I feel, to then change what I wanna say . .
Just don't say anything . .the problem eventually goes away so thats the best part about life. You can choose to think about some things and then you can decide you don't wanna think of it anymore! Its actually quite beautiful . . .so thats what I'm going to do. I'm not going to say what I think I should say unless it continuously comes up in the future . . .and I most definatly am not going to speak to people who don't want to call me up on their own!(unless they have a reason why)
Simple as that. . .right?
Paramore Lyrics of my Lyfe (con't)
►Rock and roll baby, don't you know baby, we're all alone now. . .♦Then I think, 'Shiz I screwed up.'
How do you tell someone that you're sorry after that? how do you regain their trust? there small spark of light that they had in you? Is that possible.. .
or have I done it again-> Killed another persons expectation and light of hope in me.. . oh, she did it again . . .Gnite peeps. Way 2 go to bed huh?
Paramore Lyrics of my life
I think . . . . . . . . . . .
Death
No knowing when you'll have to meet your maker and not knowing what will happen is almost just as worse.
Right now I'm at a point in my life where if I die now. . I know for sure I'd have something to be scared about.
I'm scared that I'm not a muslimah, I'm scared that I won't have enough: enough blessings, enough good actions (deeds), and enough knowledge.
But what does that mean? How does that play a role on my life? What am I going to do about it?
My being scared of dying, means I need to prepare to work hard on my Islam, i think i know that much. I have alot to work on when it comes to Islam and I'm not sure I can do it by myself but I'm frightened at the mere idea of me telling anyone (muslim) that I'm not sure if I'm muslim. . .so how do I help myself with Islam if I don't have help? I've learned that if I don't have the right type of help from the right people . . my trying and hard work won't accomplish anything on its own.
Death plays a large role on every muslims life. Its part of the reason why we live the way we do right? I mean we live to do good and worship Allah so that later on we can meet our maker and go to paradise for living to die right? So to play a large role on my life I have to first start with the worshiping Allah part. I know for sure I don't do that enough . . but where do I start? its crazy how hard it is for me to even think about trying all this out at a time in my life like now. . .
So that leads to the Big Q what am I going to do about it ? What can I? i don't have a big idea just clues . . so we'll see where that leads me in the next few days. . .
Meanwhile, i have to deal with my big marriage problem . . .sadly love is something i don't wanna deal with with death and religion playing games with my head . . .but marriage is the key to having a life long partner and thats one thing i can't do without.
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